I feel numb.

Is that normal?

I feel empty and damage and... and hurt.

And...

I feel like dying or something, I never felt this way.

Is that normal?

I didn't know that just one person could be this damaging.

That other week?

Feels like heaven compared to this.

I feel.... so.... betrayed, so left behind, so left down.

I didn't know pain like this.

It's... I don't know. Excruciating seems so little so... not enough.

Why? Why?!

I don't understand.

He doesn't get to be angry.

'cause I'm the one who's been told a lie.

I don't get it.

I'm lost.

I know it's going to be a long night.

I'm not prepared.

Not this way.

I don't want to be alone in my room, but I don't want to be with people. I can't face them.

Their happiness, their judgment...

I know what they'll all going to say.

"That sick bastard!!! forget about him"

But that sick bastard was all I had.

And he broke my heart.

In a way that I couldn't imagine possible.

Why?

I don't care who reads this anymore.

I'm lost.

I'm so fucking lost.

I don't wanna go home, 'cause they don't understand and I'll have to be the strong one again. I just can't be the strong one when I'm falling apart.

Let me just stay here, in my yellow room.

I'm so madly angry.

I can not breath with pain and frustration and anger.

And perhaps... hate?

I'm lost.

I don't know the next step.

I'm lost.

I'm so sorry for the crazy talk, but I'm not myself right now.

I just wanna peace, and quite and normality.

It's not fair.

He gets peace and quite and normality. And I get crazy talk and breathing trouble and insomnia. 

It's not fair.

Not fair.

Yesterday I was telling him how happy I was with his coming, and now.

Now?

I wish he was still coming.

I'm lost.

I don't think I can forgive him.

I don't think I can keep me from insulting him for much longer.

I don't think I can keep me from hating him for much longer.