I go ahead and smile....

When you first left me I was wanting more
But you were fucking that girl next door, what cha do that for (what cha do that for)
When you first left me I didn't know what to say
I never been on my own that way, just sat by myself all day

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel at the end
Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

Whenever you see me you say that you want me back
And I tell you it don't mean jack, no it don't mean jack
I couldn't stop laughing, no I just couldn't help myself
See you messed up my mental health I was quite unwell

I was so lost back then
But with a little help from my friends
I found a light in the tunnel at the end
Now you're calling me up on the phone
So you can have a little whine and a moan
And it's only because you're feeling alone

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala lalala

At first when I see you cry,
yeah it makes me smile, yeah it makes my smile
At worst I feel bad for a while,
but then I just smile I go ahead and smile

Eu disse.

Eu disse que este ano ia ser diferente.

No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight

A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then, it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

I took the stars from my eyes, and then I made a map
And knew that somehow I could find my way back
Then I heard your heart beating, you were in the darkness too
So I stayed in the darkness with you

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

Thank you Universe...

For all the help.




(True fact: every time I bend to weakness, he turns offline, my phone turns off with no battery or my wireless fails)

Tortura

Queria tanto falar sobre isto.

Mas não consigo.

São demasiadas coisas a dizer, demasiados sentimentos a gerir. 

Até lá vai-se fingindo que está tudo bem.

Vai-se fingindo que não incomoda, que não aleija que não arde.

Pode ser que um dia o fingimento se torne realidade.

Até lá... é sorrir e acenar.

I'm not calling you a ghost, just stop haunting me

I'm not calling you a liar, just don't lie to me.
I'm not calling you a thief, just don't steal from me,
I'm not calling you a ghost, just stop haunting me,
And i love you so much,
I'm gonna let you Kill me.

There's a ghost in my lungs
And it sighs in my sleep,
Wraps itself around my tongue,
As it softly speaks
Then it walks, then it walks with my legs

To Fall,
To Fall,
To Fall, 
To Fall,
To Fall,
To Fall, at your feet.
Oh but for the grace of god go on,
'Cause when you kiss me, I'm happy enough 

Why

Why do I have this feeling like you're not going to talk to me again, now that you know that I am "Ok"?

Nothing Too Serious

October Collection

Soft Ruffle Top by KAREN MILLEN

Matt and Shine Jacket by KAREN MILLEN

Jacket RLD Antigua by MANGO

Zara Shoes

Lacquered Quilted Westside Bag by MARC JACOBS

Stretch Skirt by STRADIVARIUS

Zara Shoes

Twisted Tweed Trousers by KAREN MILLEN

Drape Twill Trousers by ALEXANDER MCQUEEN

Vanilla Gothic Pirate Shirt by ALEXANDER MCQUEEN

Sultane 140 Suede Pumps by CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN

"Gucci 1973" handle bag by GUCCI

I feel numb.

Is that normal?

I feel empty and damage and... and hurt.

And...

I feel like dying or something, I never felt this way.

Is that normal?

I didn't know that just one person could be this damaging.

That other week?

Feels like heaven compared to this.

I feel.... so.... betrayed, so left behind, so left down.

I didn't know pain like this.

It's... I don't know. Excruciating seems so little so... not enough.

Why? Why?!

I don't understand.

He doesn't get to be angry.

'cause I'm the one who's been told a lie.

I don't get it.

I'm lost.

I know it's going to be a long night.

I'm not prepared.

Not this way.

I don't want to be alone in my room, but I don't want to be with people. I can't face them.

Their happiness, their judgment...

I know what they'll all going to say.

"That sick bastard!!! forget about him"

But that sick bastard was all I had.

And he broke my heart.

In a way that I couldn't imagine possible.

Why?

I don't care who reads this anymore.

I'm lost.

I'm so fucking lost.

I don't wanna go home, 'cause they don't understand and I'll have to be the strong one again. I just can't be the strong one when I'm falling apart.

Let me just stay here, in my yellow room.

I'm so madly angry.

I can not breath with pain and frustration and anger.

And perhaps... hate?

I'm lost.

I don't know the next step.

I'm lost.

I'm so sorry for the crazy talk, but I'm not myself right now.

I just wanna peace, and quite and normality.

It's not fair.

He gets peace and quite and normality. And I get crazy talk and breathing trouble and insomnia. 

It's not fair.

Not fair.

Yesterday I was telling him how happy I was with his coming, and now.

Now?

I wish he was still coming.

I'm lost.

I don't think I can forgive him.

I don't think I can keep me from insulting him for much longer.

I don't think I can keep me from hating him for much longer.

go fuck yourself

"avisa que desligou o serviço despertar e o apoio técnico."

Tu consegues Cláudia, tu consegues levantar-te da cama, tomar banho e ir às aulas.

Fuck them all and do it!
Come on...

Email Torture

And you so seemed so nice.

But then I woke up.

Hey beauties, how are we doing?

Sorry for all the "oh I'm miserable" thing...

Well, I can't really promise it won't happen again.

So, it seems like we have some fresh photography work.

Not much, but is something.

I don't care anymore.
I don't care what you'll think if you read this.
I don't fucking care!

I know I've promised to keep this the happiest place on earth, but hell to that, I'm miserable!
But I'm not miserable all the time, everyday. No.
It's just when the reality comes and punch me in the face and I see no solution, no light, no hope.
I miss you.
God how I miss you.
And sometimes it hurts so bad facing the fact that you're not there for me, I mean you're there. But you're not THERE.
Yesterday, after you said you were coming to Coimbra just to see me, I type "I Love You" without thinking, unconsciously.
 When I realized what I had typed, something made my stomach hurt.
And I cried.
I cried like the day we broke up.
I'm not miserable all the time. It's just when I realize I had an empty bed side that will remain empty, a pain in my stomach that can't be healed and a whole in my heart that can't be filled.

S H I T !

I miss my camera.

I miss photography.

I miss it so much that today I started to take photos with the old family camera. The camera has only four functions: flash, auto flash, no flash and timer, but I did anyway. The camera has a 4x optical zoom, but a did it anyway. 

The camera has no roll, but I did it anyway.

How lame is that?

Want something worst?

Worldwide Moment is coming and I left my Canon in Coimbra!

I'm trying (vainly) to upload some old old photos (N80 era), but the Internetz insists that this isn't the best time.

Probably the Internetz iz right.

Probably I should go to bed and try again tomorrow.

Thank you the Internetz for taking such good care of me.

God bless you (bitch).

To use or not to use

Damn It!
I was praying not to find this. But I did and now I know I'll be thinking about it every second of my day. This precious information....
Shall I use it?

Is Coming....

THIS!

World Wide Moment....


If you like photography or just world peace, please join and see if your country is one of the "missing ones".


I'm planing on doing something really special this year....

YAY


see ya

Afinal...

... sempre se arranja qualquer coisita....

My creation

"What The Fuck Up"

So, let's try to say this in the simplest/easiest/shortest way possible:

This weekend was M A D .

*

A premissa era boa e prometia: 6º Forum Permanente de Teatro de Amadores, promovido pela ANTA/FPTA (I don't really get the "Changing-A-Name-You-Can-Pronounce-And-Sounds-Good-To-A-Name-You-Can´t-Pronounce-And-Sounds-Bad" thing, but "forever") e co-organizado este ano pelo Teatro Olimpo e Câmara Municipal de Ansião.
Pois bem, era suposto termos saído na sexta-feira rumo a Ancião, não aconteceu.
Era suposto termos saído no dia seguinte às 6:30h, mas arredondámos para as 7:30 porque... bem porque sim.

A viagem foi um misto de cansaço, barbaridade e estupidez e quando chegámos, depois de horas de curva e contra curva, soube mesmo bem ter aquela sensação de que toda a gente se estava a marimbar para a nossa presença. Lindo.

Separação de pessoas pelos painéis de formação.
A Cláudia segue uma mulher de cabelo louro esguazeado, formadora de caracterização, até aos (modestos) camarins com (notória) falta de condições.
Mas, "forever" (PJ) pensa a Cláudia. O conteúdo é que é importante.
E foi.

Hora de almoço.
Busca de lugar para comer: 1 hora.
Lugar encontrado: Minipreço.
Tempo de atraso: 1 hora.

Separação de novo, começo da formação que acabou com a Cláudia com o cabelo numa lástima (meaning: juba de leão ao acordar) e maquilhada de não sei de quê.
Funny enough.

Reencontro.
Jantar.
Parabéns à Isa.
Tentativa (frustrada) de prestar atenção ao espectáculo dessa noite.
Fuga para o parque infantil lá do sítio.
E a partir daí é tudo muito... confuso.
Sei que o cansaço teve efeito excitatório nos nossos processos neuronais (ando realmente a prestar atenção a algumas aulas) e a partir daí a única certeza era o meu estado de idiotice mórbida.
Viemos dormir a Coimbra e a noite acabou de uma forma inesperada...mente estranha.
Better not talk.

Plano para a manhã seguinte: acordar às 7:00, sair para Ancião às 7:30.
Realidade: acordar às 9, sair quase às 10.
No fundo acho que nós não éramos nó se não tivéssemos estes apontamentos de irresponsabilidade crónica que deixam má impressão.

Depois foi: sono, muito sono, muito muito sono.
Houveram alguns espectáculos pelo meio que foram do muito muito fraco ao muito muito bom.

Bem a verdade é que o forum não foi grande coisa, a organização falhou, o acolhimento o falhou, o ambiente falhou, até a merda do tempo falhou. A verdade é que no meio disto ainda houve tempo e espaço suficientes para se criarem alguns atritos internos. A verdade é que o cansaço se sobrepôs a tudo o resto. A verdade é que a vontade de vir embora foi muita.

Mas a maior verdade foi que, mesmo assim, mesmo com todas estas coisas a puxarem o humor para baixo, nós, Grupo Cénico de São Joaninho, nos conseguimos divertir à grande em certos momentos.
E esta é a prova provada (que merda de redundância) de que funcionamos bem como grupo, funcionamos bem neste "individualismo colectivo" e que conseguimos sempre dar a volta a uma situação menos boa, porque nos temos uns aos outros e porque na hora de decidir se nos punhamos a andar dali ou não a resposta geral foi "ou vamos todos, ou não vai ninguém" e porque no momento em que Alguém disse que a vontade era desistir de tudo, a reacção foi "Sais tu, sai toda a gente" e porque no fim do dia as memórias eram "minoritariamente boas e não maioritariamente más"...

E é nestas pequenas coisas que se percebe...
Percebe-se o segredo da continuidade, da longevidade e da persistência.
Porque sim, somos desorganizados, nunca estamos a horas, damos nas vistas nem sempre pelos melhores motivos, mas, no momentos da verdade... the bros stick together .



Obrigada a todos.
Nem sei se algum de vocês tem noção do bem que me faz...



TeenageAngst
*




_
PS: Há fotos? Claro que não.

Resumé (part II)

Em ordem cronológica inversa: